A New Kind of Restoration
by avenged
Summary: Oneshot, ItaSaku. Bodies in the closet? Baseball? Terribly complicated nicknames? This is what happens when Itachi takes clan restoration into his own hands...


A/N: I know I've said before that I hate ItaSaku, and I do...when it's serious. As a crack pairing, though, it's pretty damn funny.

**Disclaimer:** The government wouldn't allow me to change my name to Kishimoto. Curses! Foiled again.

Oh, and I have never watched _Grey's Anatomy_, so excuse any poorly made references.

* * *

"Kisame."

The man in question looked up from his bowl of popcorn and raised a nonexistent eyebrow. "Yes, Itachi?"

"My brother is an idiot."

Kisame groaned and grabbed a handful of popcorn. "I know that, Itachi. You only remind me every hour."

"Yet I have just made another revelation," Itachi persisted, pacing in front of the TV, completely oblivious to the fact that he was blocking his partner's view of _Grey's Anatomy_.

"Muf yer ash ous offuh ay," grunted Kisame.

"My 'ass', as you so crudely put it, is quite attractive, actually," Itachi said haughtily, adjusting his path so that he obstructed as much of the screen as possible. "Which is what makes me think I can make up for my imbecile of a brother."

Kisame sighed and turned off the TV, knowing that the sooner Itachi finished, the sooner he could get back to McSteamy and McDreamy. "Spill it, Itachi."

"As you wish," Itachi replied, plopping down on the couch in a very un-Uchiha-like manner. "The-Midget-Who-Is-Called-Sasuke has two goals for his pathetic life. First, he would like to kill me. This is obviously impossible."

Kisame muttered something that sounded vaguely like "superiority complex".

"And second, he would like to restore the Uchiha clan. As he has recently realized that murdering me is going to be a bit harder than he originally thought, he has decided to turn his attention to the latter goal. Am I making myself clear?"

"Crystal," Kisame said, yawning.

"But he is proving himself to be a failure at that as well. Despite months of trying, he has not gotten laid once. This is understandable, considering that his approach is usually along the lines of, 'Hello. Will you be my baby factory?'"

"The kid has no tact," Kisame agreed, stuffing his face full with more popcorn.

"Consequently, it's beginning to look like that he and I will truly be the last Uchihas."

"Good."

Sharingan spinning wildly, Itachi fixed his partner with a sinister gaze. "Did you say something, Kisame?"

"Your ass is very pretty, Itachi."

"I thought so," the-one-gifted-with-the-ass smirked. "Anyway. Obviously, we have a disaster at hand. My plan was to have The-Midget-Who-Is-Called-Sasuke take care of the clan restoring so I didn't have to partake in…less than favorable activities. Yet, as always, he is far too pathetic to do anything _correctly_. So it looks as though I will either have to tie him to a bed and set an all-too-willing female upon him, or I will have to prove myself, once again, far superior to him by stealing the only girl he's ever been interested in. And frankly, the latter will be simpler. And eviler."

"That's nice, Itachi…wait, _what_?"

Ignoring Kisame's exclamation of disbelief, Itachi fetched his weapons pouch, fastened it to his belt, and examined his complexion in the mirror. "Just letting you know where I'll be for the next few days."

"Hold on—"

"Oh, and when I come back, my girlfriend will be using your closet. I suggest you clean the dead bodies out of it before then."

"_Itachi_…"

"I'll be back shortly. Don't eat all of my shrimp puffs while I'm gone."

And with that, he tossed his hair over his shoulder and slammed the door.

Kisame grunted, stomped over to the fridge, fetched Itachi's shrimp puffs, and plopped down on the couch, making a mental note to throw a few severed heads into his closet after his show was over. "Smug little virgin…"

* * *

"For the thousandth time, I said NO, Sasuke!"

"But Sakura…chan," Sasuke stammered out, hoping that the sex would be worth the public humiliation, "don't you want my hot body?"

"Sasuke, put the pick-up line book away."

Irritated, Sasuke threw the book over his shoulder. "Please, Sakura. Isn't this what you've been wanting since we were kids?"

Sakura's face scrunched up in horror. "EW! You think I was thinking about sex when I was EIGHT? Kami, Sasuke, most kids like, well, sports! Baseball!"

"I like baseball."

Sakura's eyebrow twitched. Everyone in the vicinity backed away as quickly as possible, before…

"UCHIHA SASUKE! You are completely HOPELESS when it comes to women! You wouldn't happen to have thought about the 'love' aspect at all, would you?"

And for once, the great Uchiha genius was left bewildered.

"Ugh," Sakura groaned, turning away in disgust. "To think I ever liked you. You are a disgrace to your gender. Go hide in a trash can."

"But Sakura…chan…I _need_ you…"

"To be your baby factory? Honestly, Sasuke, if you haven't said that to every single woman in the village…"

"_Please_, Sakura? I'll even let you top…"

Sakura snatched the spatula away from the chef at Ichiraku's and began hitting Sasuke over the head with it, screeching that she had never met such an insensitive asshole in her entire life…

"Excuse me, but is he bothering you?"

Sakura looked up into the _(smoldering, sexy) _eyes of Uchiha Itachi, and the spatula fell from her limp hand.

"Well, yeah, yeah, he is, a bit. But…"

"Allow me," Itachi said, flashing her a _(hot, knee-weakening, legs-turn-to-jelly) _smile, and his fist shot out, connecting with the back of Sasuke's head and sending him flying into a nearby trash can.

_S-class criminal…S-class criminal…must report to authorities…must not stare…_

"Thank you," Sakura finally managed.

"Hn," said Itachi, sitting down on the now vacant stool next to her. He leaned forward, providing a perfect view down his shirt, and…

_MUST…NOT…STARE…_

Sakura stared.

"You're Sakura, right?" Itachi inquired, drumming his fingers absentmindedly on the counter.

_HE KNOWS OUR NAME! SCORE!_ shouted Inner Sakura, doing cartwheels.

_He's an S-class criminal. Highly dangerous. The last time we met, he almost killed me._

_Psh, he's SHMEXY!_ Inner Sakura insisted. _And he's just sitting there. FOR THE TAKING. Quick, SNOG HIM!_

"Yes," Sakura replied. "And you're Itachi, Sasuke's psycho older brother, and you're just sitting here…at this ramen stand…with me…"

"You have a point," Itachi admitted. "The ramen stand does lack atmosphere. Not to mention that it reeks. And The-Midget-Who-Is-Called-Sasuke is watching us from inside his trash can, seething at me because apparently he was trying to—oh, what's it called—pick you up?"

Sakura laughed. Hey, he might have been a mass murderer, but he was funny. Surely that redeemed him?

"He seems to think that every girl in the village wants to bear his children."

Itachi snickered. "Always was conceited, my little brother." He twirled the chopsticks in her ramen and met her eyes, making her nearly fall off of her stool.

"What do you say we go somewhere far away from him?" Itachi asked smoothly.

Hesitation gone, Sakura stood and slipped her arm through Itachi's very nice, very masculine one. "I couldn't have come up with a better idea myself."

* * *

"KISAME!"

Kisame jolted awake, shrimp puffs falling off of him as he hastily wiped the drool off of his chin and switched off _The 20 Best Romance Movies of All Time_. "Mmglfmm?"

"Kisame, what did I tell you about your closet? I'm terribly sorry, Sakura-san; my partner was _supposed_ to clean up his disturbing little hobbies…"

"Oh, it's all right, Itachi-san. Kind of reminds me of my closet, actually."

It took a moment, but reality finally sank in.

Itachi was back.

With a girl.

Who attached "san" to the end of his name.

And who didn't mind the bodies in the closet.

x

He couldn't complain.

* * *

**Actually, it's quite amusing to poke fun at Sasuke. I might have to do it more often.**


End file.
